Certainty
by Spicas
Summary: Donna finds out she's pregnant a day after Harvey is released from jail. Set during and after 908.


_A/N: This is just a little something I wrote this weekend while trying to make sense of 908. I don't think it helped me through the episode, but this is the way I wish things would be on the show - I'm probably super wrong in hoping for these things, but a girl can dream, right? Let me know your thoughts :)_

* * *

**CERTAINTY**

Donna finds out she's pregnant a day after Harvey is released from jail.

It's not that she planned it; she's been feeling off for a few days and she downed it to the stressful weeks they've all been having. When she stops by the pharmacy for a prescription that day, she walks down the corridor for the cashier and the tests just get her attention and she _knows_.

She's Donna. She just knows.

It explains the mood swings, her irritability, even the nausea she's been feeling for a week now. It's weird because they've never talked about children, but she isn't worried about that — she knows Harvey will be shocked, yes, but she has no doubt he'll be happy once the news settle.

She grabs a test anyway.

She gets home earlier than him and doesn't wait to take the test — whether to ease her mind or put the subject to rest if she's wrong in her assumptions. She might be Donna, but she could be wrong, too. She pees on a stick then takes a shower and that's how she sees the bright two lines on said stick: wrapped in a towel, hair dripping wet, the tension that's been on her shoulders since Harvey's arrest settling further down her back. She's pregnant — there's a zygote inside her uterus somewhere. Her body is actually growing another human being.

She's thirty-seven and she's seen a lot in her life and had so many experiences but this is a first for her. It's a first and it's weird and terrifying and a little scary.

She can't wait to tell him, because she needs him to sooth her worries, and to support her, and to assure her this is okay, it's not planned but it's okay. She doesn't really bring her head around the fact that she's going to have a baby, it's still abstract to her. She likes children enough, even if she's not had a lot of contact with them, and she hasn't really thought of having kids in the near future — when she reached forty she'd think of it, she had promised herself — but she and Harvey never really used protection before and with the way things have been, she's forgotten take a pill or two. She knew she was being sloppy, and yet…

Maybe her subconscious wanted it? It's not like Harvey ever asked her about safety either.

Her practical side wins, though; as soon as she's put on some clothes for her planned dinner with Harvey — at his insistence, to celebrate that he'd finish Malik today — she calls her doctor's office and schedules an appointment for early next week.

"Is this just a routine check-up?" the secretary asks her over the phone.

Of course it isn't. She's pretty sure it hasn't even been six months since her yearly check-up.

"Yes," Donna says anyway, because she doesn't want to utter the words to anyone before she tells Harvey tonight.

She's debating which shoes to wear when her phone starts ringing, and she's been all over the place that she spends some time looking for it — it turns out she left it on the couch when she arrived, along with her bag. She frowns when she sees who's calling her, and she immediately knows something's not right.

"Marcus, hi," she says cautiously.

"Hey, Donna," Harvey's brother says.

She doesn't need many more words — the detached tone in his voice, the rather raspy breathing, the fact that she knows he's trying to smile but can't. She's only met Marcus twice in all these years, none of them as Harvey's girlfriend, but she's spoken on the phone with him more times than she can count. If he's calling her before reaching Harvey, it can't be good.

"What's wrong?" she asks immediately, stepping closer to the couch. There's silence on the other end of the line. "Marcus?"

"It's Mom, Donna," Marcus says after a moment. There's a sniff and Donna sits down on the couch, heart beating fast against her chest. "She had a heart attack."

"No," Donna breathes.

"It just happened. There was no time— she died immediately," Marcus continues.

She feels her heart shatter in this moment, for Marcus, for Harvey, even for herself, but especially for Harvey. She's only spoken to Lily a few times but she considers her a friend, someone she wants in her life, in their lives. And now… she's gone.

"Marcus, I— I'm so sorry," Donna manages to say, her eyes wide as she processes the news.

Marcus sniffs over the call. "Thanks, Donna. We're arranging everything, I'd appreciate it if you told Harvey because… he should hear it from you."

"I'll tell him," Donna assures him. "We'll be there soon too. I'll let you know."

She asks about the arrangements, wondering if there's anything she can do to help because funerals aren't on her list of events she's dealt with but she'll do whatever she can to help the family — a family she's a part of, nowadays. When the call ends she stands there for a few minutes, just taking it all in — she remembers the call she had with Lily just last week, where she promised she and Harvey would visit soon and they joked about Donna finally seeing Harvey's baby pictures.

It seems like a lifetime ago already.

She only stands up when she realizes her hands are shaking and she needs something to drink — she takes a step towards the scotch and there's a realization within her — it only takes half a second, really — that she can't go for that kind of comfort right now. Still shaking, she goes for the kitchen cabinet and gets a regular glass instead, filling it with water. She takes a deep breath and wonders how the hell she'll tell Harvey about his mother without crying herself — wonders how the hell she'll tell Harvey she's pregnant when there's such sorrow and sadness in herself.

That's when she realizes her child, their child, will never have any paternal grandparents.

She truly cries then —for herself, for the family she's always considers hers but is finally hers for real, for Harvey, and for the family they will have themselves.

* * *

They take the first train to Boston that evening — she books a hotel and texts Louis and Mike while Harvey packs a bag mechanically. She's only been to Boston once before, and she wishes the circumstances were different. Oh, how she wishes the circumstances were different.

She didn't tell him about the pregnancy, deciding the turmoil of emotions he's been through is enough and that this is a happy announcement that should stand on its own, not shadowed by work and death. They focus on getting to Boston first, to help with the funeral arrangements and to digest the news, pay the respects to Marcus, the kids, and Bobby. Ten minutes into the train trip she and Harvey are seated together. His arm is around her shoulders and she turns off her phone when the screen makes her stomach feel queasy. She feels Harvey's lips on her hair and the way his palm brushes against her arm in a soothing manner.

"Thank you," he says softly after a moment.

She turns so she can take a proper look at him. He doesn't look as devastated as he was three hours ago, but there's a sad look in his eyes. She thinks he looks so young in this moment, a little lost, a little overwhelmed, and it downs on her that this is the first time she's ever seen him this way. There was always the possibility of losing her in the past, through cases and ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends and I love you's, but it was never concrete. When his father died, she wasn't there for him the way she had wanted to be, because that invisible line they drew between themselves was flashing neon, because he wasn't willing to rely on her for that. It's different now.

"What for?" Donna asks.

"Being here. Helping me reconcile with her," Harvey says. "I feel like everything I've ever known about life is wrong. The only certainty I still have is that this would have been way harder without you."

"I don't know how you're feeling, Harvey," she tells him, her other hand reaching for his free one. Their fingers intertwine immediately. It's so easy between them. "I don't pretend to know. But I do know that nothing in life is certain."

"That's what I'm figuring out," he admits, a slow breath leaving his lungs. "It's terrifying."

It takes a lot of him to admit that, she knows. She kisses his neck softly.

"I'm here. We're here," she reassures him. "Together. That's what matters, right?"

Her heart is breaking for him and that's why she appreciates the smile he gives her — tentative, grateful, loving. They spend the train ride like this, awake, talking occasionally, keeping each other company. Above all, she's grateful to be here for him, and she doesn't think she wouldn't be even if they weren't together. Perhaps not as closely, but she would have been there.

She doesn't tell him that, though. For once, reality is better than the alternatives in this scenario. It took them so long to get together but they're here now and that's what matters.

It's late when they get to the hotel, and Harvey's already spoken to Marcus on the phone before they left home; she doesn't think they'll sleep much but the bed is comfortable and the room is very nice. She puts on a pair of satin pants and a blouse, her usual comfort wear, and gets ready for bed — she isn't surprised to find Harvey still sitting in his work clothes when she leaves the bathroom.

She walks towards him, settling between his legs, and he drops his head against her stomach. She feels his hands around her hips and his breathing against her blouse and the softness of his hair on her fingertips and she wishes she could take all this pain away from him, because it's unfair. It's so fucking unfair, and that's life, but he deserves so much better than this.

"I love you," he whispers. "I love you so much. We've wasted so much time already."

They've gone through this — through the fact that they could have been together for years. To her, it doesn't matter, not anymore. As Harvey once said, it truly feels as if they've been together this entire time. Nothing erases the pain of heartache, of course, but to her this is in the past and they're in the present and he's her future, whatever that may be.

She fears he'll do something stupid today, because he's vulnerable, they've had a tough work week, he's just lost his mother with whom he had just reconciled with. She fears this will only traumatize him further on life and relationships, she fears he'll become taken by the fear of people leaving him, she fears he'll ask her to marry him when she knows he doesn't think of marriage, solely because he's afraid of losing her.

She doesn't care about weddings either, if she's honest with herself. A piece of paper doesn't change anything for her — not when she knows this is their forever. For all she knows, this is already a marriage, even if they haven't said it.

"We've been in this together for thirteen years, Harvey," Donna tells him softly. "We'll be in this together in thirteen years, too. You said we'll be together forever so I'm holding onto that promise. Okay?"

He looks up at her then, shifting slightly. She moves and sits on his thigh, feels the way his hand caresses her abdomen and then her waist as she settles her forehead against his.

She could tell him now. She could tell him he's going to be a father and perhaps it will make this whole thing more bearable.

He nudges her nose with his own, then kisses her softly.

No, this can't be it. He was robbed of so many moments with his mother — because of him, because of Lily — she won't rob him of this, because he needs to mourn her and grieve her. They all do.

She stays silent, her eyes on his. She wonders if their child will take after him, with the dark eyes and dirty blonde hair and that ol' mischievous grin that makes him look twenty years younger. Or maybe a mix of the two of them — that grin and her hair color. It seems like a match meant to be, but for now she can't really focus on it — she can only focus on him.

"Let's go to bed," she suggests, loosening his tie in the process. "It's late and tomorrow will be a long day."

She doubts he'll sleep much, but he does as she says. She tries and fails to stay up with him, falling asleep with his lips on her shoulder and their hands intertwined on her stomach.

* * *

The funeral happens the next afternoon. She chooses a flowy black dress and flat mule shoes to keep the look subdued; Harvey wears a black suit like many he's worn in the past and it still looks so different today. It's a beautiful day nonetheless, and she sits next to him during the service, holding his hand; beside him, Marcus and his family sit, and Bobby's in the first chair. She's glad for the sunglasses because she feels particularly teary today, her stomach is queasy and she lets herself be sad for this loss on their future too — her child's future.

The firm's partners pay their respects, of course — Louis, Alex and Samantha are there, though they don't go back to Lily's house for the rest of the service, promising to look after the firm during this time of mourning. Mike's there too, and he stays longer. She lets him and Harvey talk and refuses a glass of wine from Katie's Marcus' ex-wife, who is there for their kids and to help with the arrangements. Donna likes her and likes the children — though the circumstances of their meeting isn't ideal, she hopes they'll have more opportunities to connect in the future.

Still, there's a lot of food and she's being introduced to many people she's never seen before and there's a point in the early evening where she simply has to excuse herself because the nausea isn't subsiding and she's sure she won't be able to hold it down. Harvey looks worried when she mentions she isn't feeling great and offers to accompany her but she refuses.

He has enough on his plate right now.

The house is full — with relatives and former students of Lily's — so it shouldn't come as a surprise that the downstairs restroom is occupied. Donna takes a few deep breaths and decides to venture upstairs, because she really doesn't want to draw attention to herself here of all places.

She manages to find the bathroom quickly, and she barely has time to reach the toilet before throwing up everything she's eaten for the past two hours — which, granted, wasn't much because she's felt off since this morning.

She spends a few minutes there, waiting for the nausea to subside — it simply doesn't. She washes her face and refreshes her make-up, pinching her cheeks a little to give her skin some color. When she leaves the bathroom, she feels a little more like herself — still nauseated, but not as light-headed as she felt when she came here in the first place. She replies to a text from Rachel and means to walk back downstairs, but the family room she passed by hastily in her search for the bathroom draws her attention.

It's clearly Lily's personal studio. There are a few empty canvas on the floor, painting material stored on the shelves next to many books. What catches her attention, however, is the painting on the easel. She thinks it must be finished, or at least very nearly complete. It's not dissimilar to the one that is now hanging on Harvey's study in his penthouse, only this one is of a rabbit and a doll. The colors are more neutral, and Donna particularly likes the rabbit.

"This is her last painting."

Donna turns around and sees Bobby by the stairs. His tone is tentative — they haven't spoken much and she knows Harvey exchanged a few words with him. There's some respect between them now, but they're not really family like Marcus is to him — Donna doubts they'll ever be like that, and she doesn't fault Harvey for it. There are some limits to everything.

"It's beautiful," Donna comments sincerely.

"She finished it last week," Bobby says quietly. "She wanted you to have it."

"What?" Donna asks. "No, I can't possibly—"

"She was very thankful to you," he continues. "You know, for helping out with Harvey, for looking out for him when she couldn't."

"I did it because I love him," Donna shrugs. It's so easy to say it nowadays. "She was never away from his thoughts, anyway. I hope she knew that."

"She was glad you were together. She and Marcus were often plotting about you two," Bobby lets out a laugh, unshed tears in his eyes. "She's gone too soon. But she left knowing he'd be okay, you know?"

Donna nods.

"She was proud of him and I know she was looking forward to your future," Bobby says. "Just… take the painting. I have tons of them around, I'm sure there will be more for Harvey and Marcus. But that one's yours."

She blinks and a tear escapes. She never met this woman, only spoke to her in brief phone calls, and yet her life was and still is so touched by her that Donna can't help but feel a wave of gratitude for her — even for her flaws and mistakes, she had such a grand impact in Donna's life that she knows she'll never forget Lily.

"Thank you, Bobby."

She goes back downstairs, back to Harvey's side. Mike's leaving and they share a hug and a kiss and she feels Harvey's hand against her as he tugs her closer, eyes watching her.

"You okay?"

Donna smiles softly at him. "Yeah. You?"

"Better now that you're here," he teases, and it's gentle and she knows it takes a lot of him to say that, to try and make her see he'll be fine. He kisses the side of her head, hand settling on her waist, and she realizes that, even though he's teasing and joking, he's right.

She feels better when she's with him too.

* * *

They go home the next day, promising to return soon to go over the things Lily wanted her sons to have; the firm's in danger, Faye is threatening it all, and Donna feels the strain of the job affect them once more. Things are different now without Lily, even with work. She knows Harvey will do anything for the firm but she knows he's finally understood what she's known for a while.

His priorities have changed. Hers, too. The firm isn't everything.

Still, the firm is a big part of their lives and she wants it safe; she feels better that Mike's on their side now but there's no rest for the wicked and so the week starts with them sueing Faye and Faye wanting Harvey to represent her against the firm and Samantha's not yet back and Donna isn't sure they'll survive this.

They've survived so much within the firm, but the truth remains that she isn't sure she and Harvey are ready to risk everything for it anymore.

And so, amid the chaos of trials and depositions and arrests and deaths, she still finds time to go to her doctor for her not check-up. She wakes up that morning feeling irritable, worried because she has cramps, annoyed because her bras are still feeling so uncomfortable, and she hates the smell of coffee. Hates it. To the point where she won't leave the bedroom unless Harvey's already finished drinking his.

It's a good thing their schedule is so messed up because thankfully he's been leaving home earlier than her and hasn't caught up on this new development.

It's all a matter of time, anyway.

Her appointment is weird from a certain point of view — it's the first time she utters the words that confirm her pregnancy and she goes through a couple general tests — it's a relief to hear the doctor's confirmation during the routine exam and it's also weird to listen to all the tests she must take as soon as possible — several blood tests, a urine sample, the ultrasound that's scheduled for the next day. Her doctor is excited when Donna tells the news, however different the words feel on her lips, and she listens to all the precautions and stops by the pharmacy the minute she leaves the clinic to buy all the vitamins she needs to take.

It's weird because she really thought Harvey would know by now, but he doesn't because she simply hasn't told him. It's been five days since his mother died, and he needs to know, and she knows she should tell him but he won't be able to come to the ultrasound because he has trial and she just… she wants to make sure the pregnancy is healthy before coming to him with yet another tragedy.

She spends half her evening reading everything she can find on the first trimesters of a pregnancy, and the other half debating whether or not she should tell Harvey tonight. When he comes home, a little later than usual, she's on her couch reading, and she thinks her pants are starting to get snug around her lower abdomen but she's not about to ask him what he thinks of it.

"Hey," he says, and she can hear the exhaustion in his voice. "The painting arrived, huh?"

Donna closes her book and nods at him; of course he'd notice the painting on the hallway.

"You know where you'll hang it?" Harvey asks, shedding his jacket as he walks into her living room. He leans down to give her a kiss.

"Not yet," Donna admits. The painting doesn't really go with anything in her apartment nowadays, and they both know she spends more time in his place than hers. "I need more walls."

Harvey smirks. "We both do. What do you say, when this is all over, we start looking for them?"

She smiles; she loves this about them. How these decisions come so easy with them both when they're together. Before, she never even considered moving in with any of her ex-boyfriends, and she knows he only did that by pressure or trauma. Still, it's different when they're with each other. This is their next step and it's something they've talked about and it simply feels right.

"I say took you long enough to suggest that," Donna replies, playing with his tie. "You wanna take a shower?"

"Is that your way of telling me I'm stinky?"

"That's my way of telling you I missed you," she arches her eyebrows, and he gets her meaning.

She's pretty sure he doesn't notice her pants feel snugger anyway.

* * *

Her ultrasound confirms the pregnancy is healthy and viable, that she's nine weeks pregnant, and that the baby has a heartbeat that Donna listens and cries because she feels like her emotions are everywhere and she feels especially bad because she hasn't told Harvey yet.

The trial isn't over, and they barely talk that day. She goes to his place and orders a really small Yankees jersey online, to be delivered to her place just in case. When he gets home she's listening to one of her favorite ballets — she sort of has a feeling the baby will like it in the future, and who's to say they can't like baseball and ballet at the same time? — and he smiles so brightly at seeing her she thinks she should tell him then.

But he's worried about trial and Faye and they end up having pizza and it's the first evening he notices she's not drinking wine.

"I don't feel like it," she says, too casually. "I was feeling queasy earlier."

Harvey frowns. "So no alcohol but pizza is fine?"

"Hey, I never say no to Gianno's," she jokes, and the subject is forgotten.

The next morning she grabs the can opener and he gets the thumbtacks and they go for the record because this could really be it. She tells him it'll all be fine and he asks if she knows something he doesn't and it's weird because she does know and it has nothing to do with trial. They leave home together and she's wearing a white dress that is a little tight but makes her feel particularly pretty and she doesn't think there's anything to notice anyway. She still spends the afternoon worried about the trial and makes at least four visits to the restroom where two of them result in vomiting. She's cut her coffee down to zero because she hates the smell and takes a cup of tea every morning that only her assistant knows about.

She feels as if she's living a double life and she makes up her mind that she'll tell Harvey tonight, no excuses, when he gets back to the firm and tells her he's lost the trial, and that he's leaving the firm.

He tells her he doesn't want this to be the main thing in their lives and she agrees, but she's too shocked to really understand it, too heartbroken to really get it. Their lives are changing in ways she never thought it would, so quickly, quicker than Harvey even knows because in a few months from now they'll have a baby with them and she doesn't know if she wants to stay in the firm without him because she once told him she'd follow him anywhere and she still means it.

"I know you're happy as a COO," he tells her softly, later on, when they're sitting by the fire in his penthouse. "I won't take that from you. As long as we're together, it doesn't matter."

He's right, of course, and she smiles gratefully at him. He starts talking about them looking at some brownstones instead of penthouses and he has a glint in his eyes she hasn't seen since before his mother died, before his arrest and maybe since that pseudo-proposal he's made a few months ago, when she realizes there might never be a good time to tell him. There's always something going on and life doesn't stop and she has a human being formed in her uterus that he'll have to learn about soon and she hopes he'll love it as much as she already does.

"I gotta call that real estate agent who helped us find this place," Harvey comments.

His priorities have changed, and hers need to change too. It's not just her and Harvey anymore.

"Already called her," Donna tells him distractedly.

"Oh, and I haven't had a chance to buy tickets to Boston this weekend," he says, as if he's just thought of it, and she doesn't blame him because his entire life has been this trial and this firm for the past week.

She'll tell him after dinner, she decides.

"Already bought them, we're going next Friday," she tells him, rolling her eyes.

They'll be able to look into houses and already think of nurseries too. It'll be important — a garden wouldn't go amiss.

She'll tell him now, she decides.

"Marry me?"

"I'm pregnant."

His voice is so soft she does a double take — he's let go of the scotch he's been drinking and there's a ring between his fingers, an actual ring with diamonds on it, and he's looking at her as if he's planned this entire thing and she's so surprised and so taken aback that she just looks from him to the ring then back to him again. She barely registers the way his own eyes go from her to her stomach more than once, and how he frowns at her words and she feels dizzy and hot all of a sudden.

"_What_?" Harvey asks.

"You want to marry me?" She asks, ignoring that her bottom lip is quivering because she's trying _so_ _hard_ not to cry.

"You're pregnant?" Harvey asks too. "How long have you known?"

"The day Marcus called," she tells him. She looks at the ring again, only now noticing how exquisite it is. "How long have you had that?"

"The day after I accidentally told you we would be together forever," he confesses.

The day she spoke to Lily for the first time. Donna lets out a laugh, not bothering that the tears are falling freely now. Harvey shifts closer to her, his fingertips wiping the tears from her cheeks softly.

"Hey," he says softly. "It's alright. Don, please."

"I think that's when I got pregnant," Donna admits, fidgeting her hands a little, looking up at him. "I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you sooner but things kept happening and—"

"Shh, don't be sorry. I wanted to ask you sooner but stuff kept coming up," Harvey laughs, pressing his lips against her shoulder. "You told me the day Mom died nothing in life is certain, but I know one thing that is."

"What is?" Donna asks. He takes her hand in his.

"Us," Harvey tells her, and he looks so handsome like this, in the fire light, with that smile and the unshed tears in his eyes and she's always so proud when she makes him smile like that. "I've known this for years, I told my mom you were the one. These past few days were crazy and I don't know what I'd have done without you. I don't want to know what I'd have done without you. And now you tell me you're pregnant and I— _Donna_."

"I know," she nods, because she understand how overwhelming everything is. "I _know_."

"You've made me so happy," he confesses, bringing her hand to his lips. "I can't be me without you, Donna. So… marry me?"

She feels the ring on the tip of her finger and her breath catches.

"Of course I will," she nods. "Of course."

The ring is beautiful and it's a perfect fit and she kisses him like her life depends on it, the weight of the weeks of emotional turmoil behind and only the future ahead.

"I can't believe you ruined my proposal," Harvey smirks against her lips.

"I can't believe you ruined my announcement," she half complains amid her tears.

He pulls away to look her in the eye and she can only see happiness and hope in them.

It doesn't matter if the firm is standing or not, because they're together, and they might not be the best at timing but they get there in the end. They'll hang the painting Lily made for Donna in the nursery of their new brownstone house; they don't name their baby after her grandmother but choose Rose as her middle name, a flower like her grandmother. Harvey will find a stuffed rabbit that looks so much like the one in the painting and that will become Ella's most loved toy. She'll be born with Donna's hair and pouty lips and Harvey's grin but eyes that are just like her grandmother's and she has Daddy wrapped around her little finger the moment he's present for an ultrasound.

His parents aren't at their wedding but hers are, as well as their friends — a reminder that he still has family left, within her and the world around them. Nothing in life is certain, but their family is; both Gordon and Lily live in Harvey and Donna sees that — and she knows he will see them in Ella as she grows up.


End file.
